Most of these are quite funny (see the source box or below)...
EVER WONDER
... .why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
. . .why women can?t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
.. .why you don?t ever s the headline" Psychic Wins Lottery??
. . .why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.why doctors call what they do "practice"?
? . Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
?why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
? .why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? .why there isn?t mouse-flavoured cat food?
? . .who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour?
? . .why Noah didn?t swat those two mosquitoes?
? . ?why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
? .why they don?t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box? .why sheep don?t shrink when it rains?
.why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
? . If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
? . .why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND...
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of
Stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears?s hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that?s the
Only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how??)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But,
It?s "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco?s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
Down." (Well....duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowena iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But
Wouldn?t this save me more time?)
On Boot?s Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
Machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce
The rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (And... .I?m taking
This because??? )
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only
(As opposed to....what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (Now,
Somebody out there, help me on this. I?m a bit curious.)
On Sunbury?s peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news
Flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat
Nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh . . . fly Delta?)
I don?t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child?s superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you
To fly."
Things To Do In An Elevator
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.
9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "Group Hig!"and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"
20 Responses to Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so
glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I
have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to
spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then
ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business,
how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue
asking them personal questions or questions about their company
for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and
with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how
have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief
moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each
one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to
speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't
have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her
to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you
can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company,
and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and
then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you
can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess
you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please
hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat
at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and
ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I
should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a
joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your
momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to
speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write
every word down.
NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on
telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing
cuRant PRogekt: a three-de map editer
Why the hell'd you ask me for crying out loud!?!
Athelon XP 1400 Plus - Nvidia Geforce MX400 - 256mb RAM
