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Ok so everyone got very hyped when ArenaNet promised their new MMORPG, Guild Wars, will change MMOs as we know them. Well too bad half of ArenaNet's staff were abducted by Aliens before the game was completed, and Guild Wars turned out to be yet another grinding/shoe-fetching adventure you've come to expect from your favorite childhood RPGs. I decided to express my opinion through this review.

I'd like to thank BenDstarw for passing me along his account, and leave my sincere apoligies that I am going to have to return it to him. I feel guilty because I was originally going to give my Steam account in exchange. I'm sorry again.

Character name: Shiny Cat

Day 1

Downloaded Guild Wars, and logged-in excitedly. After spending countless hours battling Space-Monkeys inside a marijuana Biosphere, I am eager for something fresh and new. I must say,this is the most beautiful and video-card intensive game I've ever seen. There is simply so much going on. Everything radiates a painful glow that leads to question what REALLY went into my tea this morning. As I stand on a hill overlooking the great city of Ascalon, many things greet my eyes. Armor clad players running around, bustling merchants, and the occasional outbreak of break-dancing in the streets. I enter the main crowed in the city square. People were crowding around awkwardly while some run in circles offering stolen goods for sale. I spin the camera around for several seconds as the game stutters and then proceed to find something to do. A local city guard tells me off as I try to ask him for help. Finally a different NPC goes on a long tale of their great city, the basic game dynamics, and his failing marriage. I skip the dialogue box and proceed to my first mission. After rejecting 28 Guild invitations ("Duders, we have capes!!!" screams a nearby player) I fight my way through the crowd (A large outdoor strip-club has already formed) and go out into the dangerous wilderness.

Day 2

I desperately punched the movement keys attempting to wheel my trapped character out of the tree. Two large frogs were approaching me from behind, waving their froggy-like limbs dramatically. In a desperate attempt, I clicked on the frog now emitting cat-meows and my level 1 warrior swung clumsily while facing the opposite direction. To my surprise,the attacker 15 feet from me away staggered as an invisible blow caught him in the chin. Convinced I was wielding a magical beginner's sword, I continued the attack until the frog collapsed and died. The second attacker, apparently unaware of his comrade's demise, suddenly became very interested in a patch of clouds above and shuffled away. For a second, my character looked like he was having a seizure; but then jerked and was freed from the tree. A 9-year old girl was following me nearby and mumbling something about her Father and an alcohol problem. I ran back to the town for another quest. I approached the closest NPC to me and accepted a mission. Expecting to get an assignment like, KILL SOMETHING, the man tells me he needs to find the perfect birthday present for his girlfriend. I honestly did not mind. Violence is not the way, and after asking the nice man if he also needed his groceries done for the weekend, I was on my way. And so my journey truly begun, I ran across the beautiful country side, with no god damn clue where I was going. On the way, I ran into a bull by a waterfall. I proceeded to clubbing the innocent animal to death, then searched in vain in my Skills window for a "Drag Dead Corpse Back To Town As A Birthday Present" icon. Frustrated, I quit the search and moved on.

Day 3

I've arrived at cheerful village in the middle of a demon infested forest. I snuck towards a nearby house with the intentions or robbing it (like every fair RPG lets you do) but I discovered the door was locked. The villagers were getting smarter, and have began locking their doors to stop travelers from walking into their kitchen, asking where they can find [insert terrible evil here], and raiding their bedroom for golden coins and carrots. Frustrated, I trotted of into the backyard and found a feather, floating in the air, and bearing the words "Birthday present". I assumed it was dropped when a drunk farmer beat his turkey, so I happily pocketed it. I open up the main map, and double click on the previous city. Seconds later, I am teleported to a happy guard who gladly accepts the feather in return for combat experience points. I love this game.

Day 4

Ken headslayer: Shiny, we you please stop playing around with the Mission Sketch Pad and try to keep up.

Shiny Cat: Someone wrote "BOOBS" on it before me. I swear.

Zenmaster: Hehehehe

Always online: Please revive me already. I've been lying in this ditch for 15 minutes. Anyone still have that resurrection signet?

Shiny Cat: That's your third time. You get a time out.

Always online: F*ck you.

Ken headslayer: Can you guys please be gay some other time? I need help with these golums.

Zenmaster: We're coming. For god's sake Shiny, this isn't Halo. Leave that corpse alone.

*Shiny Cats hastily stops tea-bagging a dead Scorpion.*

Ken headslayer casts a Firestorm on Stone Golum

Shinycat: You monsters are about to pay with your souls. Get ready!

Shinycat starts dancing

Always online: I hate you all.

Always online has left the game

ShinyCat was killed by Scorpion Lord

Ken headslayer: omg

Zenmaster: Does anyone have a free sword?

Ken headslayer has left the game

Zenmaster: You get that quest shiny?

Shinycat: The one with where you have to find the ghost couple or the one were you deliver things to poor children?

Zenmaster: The ghost one.

Shinycat: Uh...

Zenmaster: Man forget this.

Zenmaster has left the game

The Party questing in this game is simply the highest form of enjoyment possible through a computer. The bond we share with our overweight friends on the other side of the screen is much higher then say, a silly PROGRAMMING forum.

Day 5

Me and my party continue to savage across the land like spilled coffee over a Exam Essay. We run errands, deliver messages to wealthy merchants, and butcher any frightened animal that gets in our way. Afterwards I make my way to the city shops to sell several spiderlegs I've "found" on my journeys, when am NPC suddenly informs me that the city is under great attack, and my help is needed immediately. Thinking the game is finally going to pick up, I quickly do as I'm told and rush to the city's aid. I burst through the gates expecting to find an army of players gathered to repel the invasion when a sad sight greets my eyes. 4 NPC soldiers stand waiting for me. "There you are ShinyCat! Get ready for the attack!" yells the one closest to me who also looked like Jerry Springer. So let me get this straight. You neglect me, treat me like a stray cat, make me pick up your dry-cleaning, rule the kingdom greedily, make several MacDonalds trips per day, but the one day sh*t happens, it's up to me to save the city? I feel very epic. There are thousands of other players out there. Did you lie to every one of them? And why are there only 4 people defending the nation's capital anyway? Oh yes, I forgot it was the trend in today's video games, as introduced by the first Medal Of Honor game where you fight World War 2 all by yourself.

Anyway, we repelled an crippling invasion force of 14 goblins.

Long story short, the kingdom was destroyed by a gorilla controlling a catapult. After the wooden catapult (containing one of George Bush's "borrowed" nukes) destroys the city of Ascalon, you are transported into the future. How is this fair for the city's inhabitants? They were leading a normal peaceful life when they were obliterated thanks to some moron activating a scripted scene. You're welcome.

Day 6

What the hell is wrong with the PvP in this game? Why do I have to make a separate character to play on the PvP servers? What is the whole bloody point of grinding small rabbits and tarantulas in the dessert if I cant even use that pumped character to kick some ass in duels? I hate all of you.

Day 7

If I actually paid for this game, I would be very angry. I give it a rating of 27 Cats out of 4 Gorillas.

Shinycat: Logged off.

I disagree with you completly. Wala. I think you are jaded!

I am not a fanboy of GuildWars in any means I realise the faults this game has however I think you are just trying to go against it because you seem to hate MMOS for some uncalled for reason.

So, you enjoyed it then?

There is PvP in PvE.. hell, you even do a PvP to get out of Old Ascalon. There are various arenas spread throughout the whole world (one in new Ascalon city, though my favorite is the one thats in Yaks Bend). Besides, you have to unlock all the good skills for your PvP player through PvE (by purchasing them or earning them etc.).

The parties are the same as every MMO i've played, if you don't know who to pick, your screwed. A good way to tell is their name, if you get someone with a really well thought up name, non comedical, they're there for the long run. I usually don't have the 1 minute of patience to find a party out of strangers though, so I usually get someone I know, call them on the phone, or IM em, I just tells them, I says "Get on teh GW and help me through these questz0rs!!!" and then they says "OKz0r" or "Noz0r, i'm teh bizeee!".

Not every game is everyones cup of tea though...

The thing about this is it offers almost the same level of depth as a nice big friendly MMO, but no subscriptions. I really only play it with friends I know, and until I upgrade my graphics card we typically spend an afternoon questing at the local pc club with Geforce 6800's running the game at perfect FPSs. Only a dollar an hour there too.

My friend was for the most part incapacitated when he lost a fight with a lawn mower, he's my closest friend, so we got him a copy of the game. He's not into the social aspect of MMOs, he just wants to team up with people and go out and explore the world and make his character sexy. He also had fun trading dyes and various other oddiments. He took the greatest pleasure out of watching trends in dye prices and charging people just a little more to make the most of his efforts in bandit-hunting.

But yeah, many major cities you visit with your role play character have PVP arenas for you to play in, and they're separated by level. For example you can't do the post-searing Ascalon arena past level 10.

heh.. How people see the game I guess depends on how they play it, and such.

I've been playing since the E3 2004 Beta, which I loved. The game at that point was purely a few missions, there wasn't much exploring capable. Got to know a few users through that.

The next World Preview Event (July 2004 iirc) was far more specutacular. Many explorable area of the game had been added, a number of people I was grouping with were guys from DarkBasic. Again though I got to know quite a few users in-game.
(in particular a girl only guild, of girls stateside who were very friendly and still are)

I think the key to enjoying the game isn't to try and take it all in at once. On 'Day 1' your experience is shot down from the start.

Getting used to the game, is a essential to getting into it. Again when it started, very very few people around. In-fact I was playing from Release; and the European Server had literally 1 Zone with what could be no more than 25-30 people in-town.

Most of which were totally new to the game.
Your entering the game with a large number of the playing basically taking advantage of the mechanics of the game.

The 'Strip Club' with the dancing even if yeah quite common, people begging you to join guilds and such again very common. So to begin with what I'd suggest is opening up the options, and changing the chat filter to get rid of like everything except the NPC chat really.

Even once your used to the game, you do have time when you wonder 'should I even bother risk turning general chat back on?'
It still ticks me off to see people selling things without using the Trade Chat. I always have that turned off unless I'm trying to sell, which honestly I don't do. Give my items to a merchant friend for a set price. Sure I don't make like 10,000gp on some super-rare sword, but honestly I'm happy provided I can afford some new armour and such now&then.

When your starting out, you get far more money than you'll ever really need. Just sell the items you get to the merchants for bugger all, and you money very quickly rises cause monsters drop so often.

Getting used to the game, I'd just suggest walking around Old Ascalon for a while. I spent my first day doing that, and doing the missions around there. It is pretty awesome fun to just mess around for a while on your own getting used to things at your own pace.

Once you start on the story-path... you generally have to start relying more on groups to get to the next area. Unless you mindlessly level up (something I've never been able to sit down and do in RPGs).

For the most part, just ignoring there is even a real set of players out there and getting on with the game for yourself is the best way.

'Day 2' ... The Compass and your Mission Log are your best friend.
Your compass will always point with a yellow arrow and star where you need to go next for the selected mission/quest. Your log will show you the list of tasks you have done, and have yet to do. It dynamically adds while your playing so keep a close eye on it.

Whenever you get stuck (only happened to me once in an early beta) all you have to do is tap the WASD in a circular motion and you'll rise up out of the object. I know it's weird, but if you come across such a thing just type '/bug' in the chat window followed by a short description. The game automatically sends an image of the current issue as of the time you send the bug report. It will also include your build version, and system details. All you have to do is describe loosely what's wrong.

They do read them, and they really do apprieciate them. I got a free key for the number of bug reports I made (which was worth £30), also get several beta keys sent during the beta tests.

'Day 3', yeah no so much stealing goes on in MMORPGs. Mainly because so many users would be breaking into houses as and when they pleased just for items. Sides you get enough from the beasties.
Play Tales of Symphonia and people actually yell at you for trying to take things. heh finally an RPG that doesn't encourage Petty Theft, but still you have that whole Breaking&Entering thing.

'Day 4', common user chatlog. Trust me I have some bloody beauties of them. There should be a BashGuildWars.org ^_^ I'd have so many submissions. You get used to it, or learn to use the chat filter.

'Day 5' well as you don't have a physical copy you can't read the Book of Lore. Trust me you read that and the first set of missions make perfect sense. The rest of the game isn't so "epic" in scale.

'Day 6', PvP isn't seperate. It is to begin with, but once you reach Lion's Arch there is a boat that takes you to the lvl 10 PvP Area (skeleton related iirc). The next city over you get the lvl 15 PvP area... then the final city which is more like a desert thing you get the lvl 20 PvP arena.

It's all designed so you've got to learn some reasonable skills before you can compete seriously. Playing through the game is good though because you can unlock stuff for any PvP Characters you make later.

'Day 7' your loss I think.
From your first step into the game, I think your were looking at it as someone who hasn't ever really played an MMORPG before. Towns are bad, VERY bad. Personally the whole reason I generally go it alone in FFXI is because people in the towns for the most part are horrible.

They either ignore you because your new, ignore you because your not thier friend, or they want to ripp you off. It takes a while to actually fine some real nice players. It's the same with Guild Wars, ESPECIALLY on the Ameircan Servers. People are just Retarded on them. Plus side of the American server is that atleast you can always form a group for a mission.

dude, you get PVP in the story mode to, its just if you choose pvp mode from the start, you basically skip the entire story and go straight to the final pvp part. there are also smaller pvp parts during the game, at ascalon, yaks bend, and some other places.

heh, nice story. Made me want to keep reading in a strange way

the best parts of mmorpgs or even morpgs, is listening to the idiotic conversations that go on everywhere, great review.

in the europe servers we don't have a problem even nearly as bad as you are describing megaton, a few dancing people and some people trying to sell stuff, but if you don't like other players go out of the towns and just wander the lands killing things and doing quests.
personally i enjoy the game so far, first time i made the mistake of searing too early, second time i made a character choice that suits my playing style better and did all the quests in the post searing section that i could find, this made the post searing section much more enjoyable as i wasn't being overwhelmed every time i tried to do a quest.

the only thing i hate about guild wars is probably what to expect in other games too, i get it in battlefield 2 aswell, where your squad/group is a load of noobs.

in guildwars, i hate getting into a party, then doing a mission, and then like half way through your party decides to skip the bonus, even though you agreed at the start to do it, or they all die because the healer was afk without telling us etc... and then you have to do the mission over again. cometimes i can be doing a mission 5 times before i've completed it because of things like this.

this effects the exp:progress ratio, so your a really high level from killing lots of monsters, but not very far in the game because its the same monsters over and over. its getting to a point now where im only just scraping exp from the monsters, since i should be a fair bit further in the storyline in comparison to my character's exp.

like i said
all you have to do is follow some idiots around for half-an hour and watch them try and figure out what in the hell they're doing, i personaly think its class A entertainment, kinda like this http://www.g4tv.com/videos/index_pg5.html(third one down (splinter cell co-op theater))

To summarize my poorly written review, Guild Wars just feels like another chore, just like every other MMORPG I played. It's simply "dressed up" to look different and sound different when a friend is telling another friend about it, or when you read the back of the box, but it's the exact same thing.

I'm not saying this is an unbearable bad game, I'm saying it hardly offers anything new to the "Accept mission, butcher monsters, return for reward" cycle we've been doing for almost a decade.