Adult jokes !!!!
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy god mother
appears in front of her and informs her that she can have any three wishes
she wants.
"Well," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." ***
POOF *** her rocking chair turned to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I
wouldn't mind being a young beautiful princess." *** POOF *** she turns
into a young beautiful woman. "Your third wish?", asked the fairy
godmother. Just then the old woman's cat walks across the porch in front of
them "Can you change him into a handsome prince?", she asks. *** POOF ***
there before her stands a young man more handsome than she she had ever
imagined possible. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he then saunters
across the porch and whispers in her ear,
"Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
-------
In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving
for a crusade and called one of his squires: "I'm leaving for the crusade.
Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't
returned, you may use the key." The knight sets out on the dusty road,
armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He sees
the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I
was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY."
------
Q: What did the snail say as he was riding on the turtle's back?
A: Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!
-------
A couple of old ladies are sitting on the patio in a retirement home. Both
are bored.
Mabel: Nothing happens here, all the men are half-dead and no fun!
Doris: I agree. Let's do something that will jerk them into action!
So Mabel agrees to streak down the corridor and attract the attention of
the old men that are sitting there sunning themselves.
She does this and the following conversation insues between Harold and
Humphrey...
Harold: Humphrey, old boy, was that Mabel that I saw running past...
Humphrey: Hmm, I think so. Couldn't say for sure.
Harold: My eyes aren't too good these days. What was she wearing?
Humphrey: Hmm, couldn't say for sure, but whatever it was it was in need of
ironing!
-------
A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign
that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details." Keeping one eye
on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has
to do to win the prize.
"You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says. "Just
three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and practically
salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar $2,000 richer. "What
are the three things?" "Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go
over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out. After that, I've got a
mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled. Then you
have to go and f**k the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs." "No problem,"
the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal your
shoelace is untied." When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man
flattens him with a single, solid uppercut. Next he heads to the back room
where the pitbull is housed. The bartender can hear a tremendous commotion
from the back room--it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy. After a few
minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and
breathing heavily. "Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her
tooth pulled."
-------
Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor for new suits. "Listen,
Pincus," one said, "the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We
want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get."
"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. "This is the
stuff they make nuns' habits from. There ain't no blacker cloth."
A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new
suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the
nuns and matched his suit against their habits. Becoming angry, he muttered
something to his friend and they both walked off.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked the other.
"I don't know," the second replied. "He looked at my garment, said
something in Latin and left."
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'Pinkus Fucktus.'"
------
One day a mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach,
just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a G I G A N T I C wave flashed up on
the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea.
"Oh, God," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking
her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children. She is the
love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with
me. Give her back to me, and I'll be in church every day for the rest of my
life!!!!"
Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on
the sand. The mother looked up to heaven and said,
"She had on a HAT!!!!"
------
Every time Timmy's mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet
with his teddy bear. One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she
quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.
"Gee, it's mighty dark in here," Timmy said.
"Yes, it sure is," replied the boyfriend.
"You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks?" asked Timmy.
"No way, kid. You're crazy," said the boyfriend.
"I'll scream," said Timmy.
So the boyfriend forked over the money. The next time Timmy's grandmother
came to visit, she noticed that her grandson was buying candy, ice cream
and comic books. "Where did you get the money for all those things?" she
asked, but Timmy wouldn't tell her. "Well, if you won't tell me, you'll
have to go to confession and tell the priest," said Grandma, and dragged
Timmy off to the church. As he entered the gloomy confession booth,
Timmy said, "Gee, it's mighty dark in here."
"Are you going to start that shit again?" the priest replied.
------
Stephanie's mother was talking to her seven-year-old daughter. "You're only
a girl now," she said. "But someday you'll grow up to meet a man who will
be handsome, charming and kind. You'll take long walks through the
countryside, have deep talks about music and literature, gaze together at
magnificent works of art in museums, and share a passion for the theater.
"In short," she concluded proudly, "you will have a true marriage of the
minds."
"Gee, Mom," Stephanie said, "is that really better than screwing?"
------
Way back when Captain Cook discovered Australia, some Brit asked a local
aborigine what that strange looking animal was. The aborigine responded,
"Kangaroo", which loosely translated means, "I don't have any idea what
you're talking about."
------
A young couple were on their honeymoon night and true to tradition had
remained pure and chaste throughout their courtship, obviously both were
nervous about the impending nuptials - she slipped into the bathroom while
he sat on the bed.
She looked into the bathroom mirror thinking 'Oh God how am I going to tell
him about my awful secret ..... that my breath smells really badly'
He looked at the floor thinking 'Oh God how am I going to tell her about my
awful secret .... that my socks smell really bad'
Anyway she came out of the bathroom wearing something really sexy (Doc
Martins, Souwester and a beany hat - Editor's comment !!!) and slipped into
the sheets 'Come to bed' she said to him So into bed he got, she moved
closer and whispered into his ear 'Before we make wild passionate love
followed by the obligatory cigarette, there is something I have to tell
you'
'Phew' he said 'Dont bother - I know what it is .... you've eaten my socks
havent you ' !!
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