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Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes.  Art is knowing which ones to keep.  -Scott Adams

I recently opened a blog where I want to write about the daily progress of my little videogame projects and, well, I didn't really know how to start such a blog...where to roll on from. Should I introduce myself? Post a summary of my videogame projects? So I decided to write a retrospective about my past 6 years of Hobby-Gamedevelopment and how it evolved around me in this rather long period of time.


6 years___ a lot changed since then man. I started as a kid and I am a grown, working man now. So why do I keep doing it, do I find so much joy in it? Well... no, its just part of my creative activitys. I write... thats what I do mainly, I write short storys waiting for the spark to get my first novel going. Not in english of course and nobody ever red one of my storys yet but I really think that one day I might make a living of it. Maybe... A man can dream. However, videogames where always special for me, so was art. As a kid, I was sometimes playing with my action figurines in the garden imagining it being a playstation game. Later on I immediately started to create as soon as I got my first PC. With RPGMaker back then.
Videogames just seem to be an underdeveloped, underappreciated art form. There is so much big studios could do...just don't because there is too much money in the business for people to try and too much of these designers are too afraid to loose their jobs to attempt getting it in. Everytime I see an independent or lesser budget flick with a great storyline or artsy layout I'm immediately thinking about getting that concept in a videogame. I don't ...of course not...I lack the skill. I just toy around. Thats what I do. Thats what we do. (I know we have some fools here that think what they do on their home PC's is big business... you think of the same dude as I think of now, I bet you do ) But lets just get that straight: We aren't developing here, we make games for fun. We come home from our live sit down behind our PC's and escape into our own little creations. Like a musician or an artist. If you just so happen to be one (a lot of us here are) you just know what I'm talking about.

So I toy around with FPSC, with UDK, with Milskhape or whatever tool I please. And after some time it ends up being a game. (rarely; It ends up being a game that gets released). A few years ago I was still thinking that maybe one day I would get discovered by a bigname studio and I would work on the next big release but now, as an adult, would I really want that? No sir! Sitting behind a computer all day at work? No... Developing what the dude above me wants me to? No... Risking of loosing my job after a game is done? No! Getting paid for making games instead of actually working...doing something constructive and intellectual? Nope. Its just not happening, I lack the education, I can't code and I'm really not even that good... who would employ me? So I just got it down a little, I make games for fun now and period. I dont sit there I make games for fun the way people expect them to be from me like I used to. Thats just over.

Over the time I just realize that there are different categories of fellow gamemakers in the scene.

We have the coders which amaze me... raising up an entire software, engine, artificial intelligence with nothing but code... man! Thats just creating. Thats humanity at its best.
We have the artists which is my group... same as the coders, just a different approach and a different medium. I think we both are the same kind of people...its just a matter of which brainhemisphere is more dominant. But thats just me
We have the musicians that somehow slided into gamemaking aswell... their games usually dont look or play very well...but they have some serious soundtrack
We have the jacks of all trade. Which I can be if you concider my synthesizer noise music
We have the gamers which are just trying badly to copy call of duty in fpsc and fail.
The pseudo developers that roleplay gamedesignstudio and are just fun to laugh about.
The generous type that develop for other people. (you are probably thinking about the same prophet as I do)
These wierd guys which just collect the most professional software, do a box in it and pretend to be "skilled" trying to get us amateurs to make a game for them they can release under their name
The folks that believe gamedeveloping is the same as making a game and are probably still looking for the "generate awesome graphical game" button in dark basic professional.
...and the writers which want to tell their storys in this new and fascinating medium. Or hang out in the geek culture board.

Folks, if your red this far, you certainly do not mind me telling you something about myself. If people ask me why I do create games, why I paint... why do I write? I do usually give the same answer a lot of you give. To create! To let of some inventive steam. To combine art skills. For fun. Or just....: better than watching tv. Which is all true. But I do it for a completely other reason aswell. It allows me to forget. You see, I'm always jolly on the forums... having a dry joke somewhere under my sleeve to everything. But I'm bitter, my youth wasn't exactly great and my life isn't easy so I just need this. I need art, not to express myself (I'm not going emo on your behind now, relax, mate ) but just to forget everything around me for an hour. Just create my game on my computer without anybody bothering me. I just need that...like other people need sportschannel or firstpersonshooters to vent. Thats why after 6 years, I haven't been taking a vacation from it for one month.

But its likely...I'm in my 20's now... checking citys for my own place, the best jobs. Looking for a woman. Not for sex, not because I'm lonely but for a relationship....I just know that the day is coming within the next 2 to 3 years I'm going to stop making games. Like everything else, this time will end sooner or later. But until then, I just hope to have some fun times with you guys because, this board! Man, its the best forum I've ever been part of and its an honor to be here with all you crazy people.

Now that was a bunch of rambling nonsense wasn't it? But what I saw...within the last couple of years is a lot of people trying to make games...like the large publishers. We haven't had that in the independent community earlier on. Maybe because I didn't overlook as much forums as I do now and maybe because I was mainly playing with a tool that didnt exactly work well bet then. But still, people where just doing some games on their own. Now we get one call of duty clone being pumped out after another one. Same with this sheer flood of manga mmorpg's. Just give us a break dudes, thats not what hobby gamedevelopment was ment to be as it got founded

You see.. I'm getting tired of art. Because high art nowadays? I was in the museum of modern art in luxemburg once... and the moment as the tour lady tried to explain to me how fantastic that giant canvas with the redline on it and the few thousand euro valuetag on it was, I just immediately wiped out all my daydreaming about being a well known artist. Thats just over. A lot of famous artists nowadays just do crap. Thats my honest opinion about it. If you glue together giant pieces of scrap, draw a red line on a black canvas, sing "baby,oh" to a generated computer beat or write one useless novel about vampire/teenage girl love you are not an artist. You can call me stuck up, arrogant or snobby now, but thats how I think about it. I know that real artists are out there...starving =P Now I'm just kidding. I just have so much faith in us and I find new, amazing artworks and music almost daily...and... to be honest. That mainstream music/art industry is only there to hold us back as a species. Yeah, conspiracy theory guy is taking over I better stop this rant right now.

Just dudes, stay the way you are on here, Its been a fun time as far as internet entertainment goes and I'm looking forward to 2012. I didn't end up writing the text I wanted to write...take this instead. To whom it may concern.


-Wolf

I just read ALL of that...is it because I was procrastinating? Normally that'd be correct but I was playing Portal 2 and I suspect this is slightly more productive so it's the reverse of procrastination. How did that happen?

So, I could probably buy you a pint. I share some of those sentiments right there. But:



You got me! TGC is my number 1 source of procrastination.


I think you and I are in a similar situation, early 20's, single, looking for work and wanting to move out and set up my own life. Sadly none of those things are easy.



Lol regardless of whether that's a conspiracy or not, it's still true. It doesn't bother me that people are genuinely able to enjoy the music - people have their tastes, but a lot of mainstream music I feel that it's more a case of appealing to a market as opposed to what feels right. To me, that's the essence of creativity, who gives a crap what works or what sells, it's about what feels right. Now, I don't think everybody that's successful in a market is a sell out, as some people manage to define the market by doing something really popular. But of course, people will follow, I mean, I don't think Stephanie Meyer wrote Twilight because she knew it'd make money, however, I'm sure the sudden appearance of Twilight-like titles came to existence because they saw a market. Though I don't think Meyer is talented, but kudos for writing something that people enjoy.

In the games industry, I think start up groups or low budget indie groups have an advantage here, because they've got the room to do it and not millions in investments falling on their head to make a commercial success that'll sell for even more millions.

Also I would actually be tempted to troll that art gallery you went to and stand there with the red line painting guiding visitors saying, "ah yes, this painting reflects just a single red line on a piece of canvas, it was painted because the artist knew that it would sell for 1000's of euros and he was right."




I found this interesting. Because I can't say I've heard of people talk about game creation as a form of escapism, but in all honesty, you're probably not the only one who does it for that reason. I'm not one to claim my life is crap or delve into some emo talk, but I will admit I am an escapist and that being a jolly fellow may sometimes be a part of it, I have all the signs of it. Loves fantasy, avid gamer, plays RPGs, plays MMORPGs, writes, browses internet forums, laughs at lolcats, codes using Dark Basic.



I've done barely a slither of game creation over the last few years on this forum. This place is awesome, simple as that. My last project was posted October 2010 and that only had 1 level. I've experimented and played in my gaps, but I've never actually finished anything. I don't care, it'd be nice to finish something, but this is a hobby, so it's to wind down and enjoy.

So I'm sure even if you give up your guns, you'll still be here. TGC is like crack, so basically you're screwed mate.

Well, here I am, up much later than I should be, putting off work that needs to be done, tired of tedious character modeling for the day and annoyed with FPSC's culling system.

So I checked out the FPSC boards. Nothing interesting going on there (a bunch of newbs asking annoying questions), so I thought I'd check out Geek Culture. Read about a couple of contests, looked at otherwise boring-to-me titles... and then I saw this thread's title. Ooh, that looks interesting I thought.

To be honest, I was actually expecting something... different - than what you gave here, seeing some of your previous threads. Here, to me at least, you have shown another side to you - part of your personal side. And that's what made me want to keep reading your post.



Would you mind posting a link? After reading this, I'd be interested in at least looking at what you have.



I never thought about that stuff...



Personally, I think it's still work to create a game - that's just my opinion of course! There's debugging (not uncommon to be a nightmare in FPSC), there's making sure everything looks right (lights look good, entity placement is sensible, etc.) Plus I'm not sure if the developer even gets to test his own game - these days, it is a team effort, and to let everyone play a test version is not exactly viable time-wise. The boss might get to test and then yell at everyone over a detail I don't know, I don't know much about the big-name game industry.



????



I do it for fun, and it is better than watching TV.



I do the same thing. Bad day? Angry with someone? Feel lonely? Pop open FPSC or an FPS, and after an hour or so I can face my previous problems with a much better attitude.



It's always sad to hear this. To a degree, I've been able to detect this in you. The background stories to your games... Deprivation Direct Action - the player is a man whose past is known to no one, who is dark and brutal, and appears to have no hope for the future. Euthanasia - A man is euthanised and must fight his way out of a horror-hospital like environment in "the after-life" (as you called it). Both feature a dark past/terrible previous event in the player's charater's personality. And I once heard a wise phrase that went something like "A story is a window into the author's heart." I once took a story writing class and the teacher brilliantly told us that, in theory, the protagonist's struggle in our story is our struggle. This is the truth with me. I have always been socially incompetent - a stupid reject, as I once thought of myself. That has bred bitterness - which I shouldn't allow to happen in the first place, shame on me for not doing so. I've always imagined the protagonist or a key character turning to "the dark side" and taking out all those who put him down (not good). All this reflects my social life and temptations I've felt to follow the Devil back to his camp, and just to have a feeling of fitting in with the crowd! Seeing this, what once was a sneaking suspicion now makes sense. Moving on...

You know, I think the reason for this, for me at least, is that game creation is something familiar that we know we can conquer. We know how to make progress in our games, and we do it. We (most of the time ) know how high to set our goals in game creation, and if they're too high? Lower them and keep going. Don't work at all? Hit the undo button. (Computers can be so much easier to handle than life) Similar situation with video games. They might have a very difficult goal or objective, but the objective can be accomplished, because no one would play it otherwise. The goals are specifically made to be accomplished, and when someone successfully completes something - just about anything - they feel good about it. Toss in a couple of feel-good-about-achievement feelings in one run of usage, and the player may feel much better than when he first approached the console. This feeling can keep going as well, because the player of a game may be thinking about how he can take on the next goal (or how unbelievable it was that he made it out of a death trap alive with plenty of health and ammo still left). For the game developer he might be thinking about how much better things look than when he first approached it, or maybe how much better he got the AI to work. For me, game development/playing does what no amount of punching, squeezing, push-ups, pull-ups, or ball-throwing can do to relieve stress, anger, etc. As long as it doesn't become obsessive, this is good.

Some people might also do it to create their own perfect world for them to escape to.



Ahh, yes, life moves on. Are looking for a woman because you want someone you can devote your life to or for support? I know turning to people who can only communicate to you through text on a screen is exactly supportive, especially when there are wild cards in the mix and you can't read emotions.



You know, it seems like this is happening everywhere. One iPhone copy-cat being produced after the other, for example.



It'll be sad to see you leave, when you do. You've created some very interesting games that everyone can learn from. Even if we don't like your style.



Thank you!!! I entirely agree with that. It seems that we no longer look for finer things in art, but are trying to find beauty in chaos.



I wish you had kept going

Personally, I don't think they're holding us back; in a way they do - they do dominate and sway public opinion/fads, but what holds them up is public favor. If someone breaks that, then either they crash or they quickly change over to what the new guy makes in order to keep their own wall from crashing on them.



What if the appocalypse occurrs? JK

Wolf, I enjoyed reading this and found it very interesting. I look forward to hearing more from you here on the forums.

Happy New Year to all!
Captain Coder

I wanted to write a lot here... but realised a lot has already been written...

blog link plese

you can check mine out too for some idea as to what other devs are writing in theirs... my best quality writing is in my TCGDC Project...

I look forward to adding your blog to my RSS reader list

I agree with most of what you said and CC too... EDIT And Sepp too

This world is an image of oneself... you make of it what you will.

Wow Wolf.I really know how you feel after 2 or 3 years.Well same as me but now I got work,got girlfriend and I just find new house for my mother,will buy it someday.Well I started using FPSC when I was 18,for the first time I am making my own ugly game ever and I said "Wow" but my young brother said "This is the ugliest game I ever played" haha.Well my dad has passed away and now I got to take care my mom.My dad was a soldier haha and I remember I found my dad uniform and her diary in his wardrobe at her room.I never open it because I thought there maybe useless things in there but my mom gave me permission to open it and read my dad diary.My dad and mom always said"Do something,you need sacrifice".I also remember how my dad accident but I forgot when he was accident.When I think about it,I will automatically cry and sad.Now I got a job to do and I forget all my past and just go foward to my victory.Well I think someday,there will be a big studio that used FPSC and hire people in TGC forum ,just wait and see someday.

I certainly wasn't expecting that deep replies to this... I guess this just proofs once again how awesome this board is.


@Seppuku Arts:

You know... that's a great idea



When is it ever?



Yeah, to me she seemed also like some lonely girl writing a teenieromance that suddenly became popular. But I'm tired of it! I'm tired of going to a bookstore digging through thousands of vampire lovestory novels to find the other books... I mean, you and I are both writers and you and I both know that every chimp with a typewriter could put one out. Dude! I bet some of our coders here could compile a vampirelovestorygenerator by typing in the most overused storyplots and twists as variables. Its like these chickflicks with the rich people that come up every evening on the german television. You know...with the pictureframe familys living a stockphoto live in front of fake flowery backgrounds. We should start write a script for these flicks once in a while...thats a market right there we could get into without any effort. Dude! I could play brickbreaker on my phone while directing one of these movies.



I bet he painted something, didnt like it and overpainted it with the red line. Years after his death some monkey concidered it a proper piece of his and ...swoopdawhoop..its in a gallerie. However, the art gallery has new exhibitions every few months so maybe they have something good this time



Its art and isn't art always a form of escapism? At least in some sence? To me, its always been that.



Thats the approach I take aswell for 2012. You know, I often get carried away as soon as my Projects gain in popularity. For one of my newer FPSC title (Shavra - Dead Frequency) I suddenly had a lot of interested people that where eager to play it, I tried to get more and more features in it so it appeals to people. I had magazine writers and bloggers who wanted to test it and a release date pushing me to really work in my sparetime. Then I told myself: Never again...from now on: Hobby only. However, whenever you release something, let me know as I want to take a look at it



Aye! I'm already back for my daily dose

@Captain Coder



Of course not However, I just started it and didn't do anything on it yet but copying in some Posts from this forum on my netbook. No layout, no design, no nothing. LINKEDY LINK



Thats part true. Of course, a story does always leave hints to the authors personality but you have to get a little dark if you write a plot and characters for a first person shooter game. I envy you though that you took a storywriting class




My mainproblem is that I am very social. I just don't bond with people that much. Pals stay pals and I dont let them close enough to become good friends. Its just that as soon as someone is getting really near to me I have the urge to push them away. That way I have hurt a lot of wonderful people in my life which makes you even less able to do that extra step towards a longlasting relationship...which bites.

However, you seem very open, especially in this post... why do you concider yourself a "socially incompetent?". I've seen a bunch of socially incompetent people back when I was working in the lumber, you show no signs of that at all.



I think we can hand that to the second life crowd

Just kidding, I see your point. Even though I never liked achievment systems in games... I like to play them for the story and it saddens me to see that less and less focus is on a games storyline nowadays with all the other stuff they add to it =/

However, I understand how you feel about this... even though its not the same for me.



None of the above to be honest... If you see life as a path, I'm just looking for someone that wants to join me on a few miles. Someone I can share life with as long as the relationship lasts. Its just that I don't see myself in these "Going out, making out" teenie relationships anymore. I don't want to devote my life to anybody, I just want to live it nor do I really need support as I stand tallest on my own. You see...most people (at least in almost every lovestory) see their partner either as the missing part of the medallion or the string that holds it to the neck. I just wish someone who might be an awesome collar that looks great with the medallion. No, thats a stupid metaphor right there...you remember that I'm not english? I can blame it on that.



It wouldnt be art if everybody would agree with it [/snobby comment]



You will I ain't planning to leave yet. And happy new year to you too.

@Mr Valentine



Will do!



Thats some deep truth right there Even though so many people ignore it.

@Leomgamerz


Well, I doubt that but we'll see where they take this software
Best luck and hope to you and your mother leon!!



-Wolf

I don't know if Mills & Boon exist outside of the UK, but their business generates a lot of sales based on their own formulas for writing romance novels and people who write for them are capable of writing multiple novels per year. They're horribly written, very cliched and it's like reading a B-movie...but they sell well.

A mills and boons writer won't become madly rich because their work is in a sea of other Mills & Boons novels, but they still make money. A friend thought she'd torture me by buying a few Mills & Boon novels that should cater to my 'tastes' like "The Rancher Next Door". At least my days wearing a cowboy hat have long gone. I did start reading that one actually, it was really painful. But, Mills & Boon is probably fantastic as far as escapism goes for the reader.

My reaction to reading it was pretty much this: men have playboy, women have Mills & Boon.





If it's something you enjoy, why ruin it by doing it for other people? Granted you want a career you enjoy, but not everything you enjoy is a career choice.

I've started work on something for this NaGaCreMo malarky, so maybe a WIP thread will appear soon. It's gonna be pretty low maintenance to make it a lot more manageable.



This is very true.

I don't know Mills and Boon but I know the likes... My mother reads these from time to time...but she's reading 3 books in a week so I guess you have to read a really cheesy one from time to time too.

The covers of these books always get me though...its so... bad.
You also have to be a woman to understand any motivation or character in these storys.



I pretty much ruined that the moment I decided to make stand up comedy out of my everyday school life. But thats okay. I'm doing well and can handle myself without college degree

Shenmue?



chuckle



too true, too true,



let me know what you think I too am always looking for improvement and you can see in my writing it just gets better and better...

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!

@Mr Valentine: I've been giving your blog some reads and I must say...I totally dig the design. I guess I really have to work on a layout for mine after seeing this

Its well structured but I see that you suffer from the same disease as I do... we both tend to type down way too many "..." =P

...YUP... Its my style too ^^ even when texting on phones ahahaah

thanks...

I saw that you are using bebo or something... check out my DevCmmunityProject on my blog there is a linkedylinkkyikkyynicky in there but heres another for shorter access http://www.tm-subs.co.uk/

Free blog just like mine ^^ hosted by me, Halley from AppGameKit is already using one.

I intend to make a public Geek Culture post about it soon...

I felt that it would take ages before the 250 were taken but I get a sinking feeling once the whole forum knows about it... haha I might have to increase it to 500 tokens ^^

EDIT

o o o your boat gently down the o stream... corrected typo in Project.

EDIT
More typos silly kb...

Indeed it is a disease and I do believe in random posts there is a post about my use of certain typing things haha...

Good thing I'm just looking for a read on not for a show



I knew it!... sort of



Excellent point. That reminded me that even if you are just writing a good book, you have to step in to the antagonist's shoes and see what he would do; it doesn't really apply to only FPS games. When you step into the bad guy's shoes and take a good, hard, analytical look at the situation from his angle, you can write a much better story.

On a side note, one of my favorite things to insert into a story is a STAR WARS Anakin-betrayal like element. This goes with my behavior I said in my last post (quoted below):



Part of the motivation to insert an Anakin-betrayal styled goodguy-turn-badguy in a story was that it was so fantastic how events turned around and that George Lucas did it so well. If you applied that to today, it would still work. The tactics Palpatine applied to Anakin could be used on almost anyone today. Tweak the protag's background personality with something bad in it (lonliness, in my case) and tweak the badguy's approach to the protag, and BOOM! You have a fantastic betrayal scene! Oh, and I always try to make the goodguy who turned bad turn back to good (or at least have him get killed as a result of his actions - I love the dictatorial powers authors have over their characters! ), so that I don't appear to endorse evil or anything like that.



I should clarify that a bit; it was only a short-story writing class; the guy didn't teach teach us how to write a full novel, but what we learned could probably be expounded upon for writing a full novel. But that wasn't entirely his intention, I don't think.



I may be on the opposite end of the spectrum, but my problem is similar. I have trouble bonding with people as well.

For me, if I want to build strong bridges with other people, I have to be new to a place - it generally has to be a fresh start - and I have a few weeks to get to know people and get that foot hold in before I become the flowery wallpaper - the nice guy who's just there but no one knows very well (or cares to know well, for that matter). There are two chief problems here. One, I'm a geek. A nerd. I don't care about fashion and clothes - as long as I look nice and/or respectable, I don't care, and I couldn't care less about looking "cool". I don't care if I have a nice car - I just want something that gets me from point A to point B and maybe point C if I feel like it. I couldn't care less about sports. This is virtually the opposite of just about everyone else in the culture. And I feel like I have to color within these lines, because everyone else does. And I can't. I can try but it always fails - I know I'm faking it, and it shows. Second, no one is willing to have a conversation anymore. You step outside of your circle of comfort and try to talk to someone - ask them their name, how they are feeling, etc. They answer your questions but don't return with them. You throw the ball into their court and then they take it home. And I eventually run out of ammo, no more questions to shoot at them, and then things between the two of us become... icy.

Additionally, people have simply chopped ties with me and left me standing and wondering why. This has happened to me twice, and any conversations between the two of us after that are almost always very curt, short, almost intended to hurt. Relations at this point are very tense (inside me, anyway).

And another problem is that I find it easier to talk to girls than guys This one really has me annoyed, and confused. I know God has me wired this way for a purpose, but I don't understand why, and He's taking his time in showing the reason to me. I'll just have to be patient and stick it out.



Well, I'm glad I passed the doctor's check-up! JK...

I actually was debating whether or not I should expose myself to so much risk of being flamed, but I ended up going ahead with it; an open post should get an open response (provided it makes sense and isn't destructive). Additionally, there's some degree of shielding when all people can do is yell at you from behind a computer screen.

Perhaps the word "incompetent" wasn't the right choice (another problem I have with connecting with people - I have trouble expressing myself ). "Inferior" is probably better. Simply because I feel like that. I mean, when I look into joining clubs, organizations, etc. the people there are nice and push me to join, telling me of the benefits, etc. Then when I finally do and tell them, instead of great joy, it's a "Oh, good," and they leave me so that they can talk with those within their own circles. It's getting old.



It is sad! Well, with FPSC, you pretty much have to make the game heavily centered around the story; otherwise it gets to borring to play.



I see... Although I honestly have to wonder if you'll find a girl that feels the same way. But what do I know? I'm socially inferior, remember? I can blame my lack of knowledge on that.



Good! And thanks.





That almost sent me rolling on the floor in laughter. I oughta see if I can get that idea of making a computer generate those kinds of stories to work theoretically, then I can write the code! (in DBP, anyway; still am trying to learn C). It probably won't work, but I'll have fun trying

You know, I never thought I would enjoy talking with you on the forum Wolf, but these are interesting posts going back and forth. I enjoy it.

Happy New Year,
Captain Coder

Don't you just love story where the antagonists motivation is absolutely shallow...like: "greed" or "revenge" or "he is a psycho (which is never explained)". Too many writers get paid for miserable work... But how could we value a good story without ever reading one that is total crap.



I do disagree on that as... well, first of all, Palpatine had "Hi, I'm evil" written in Neonlights on his forehead through out the entire movie. And second, most of the sidecharacters didn't even try to save him or have a talk to him. Even Yoda who is supposed to be a Jedi Master didn't even notice the trouble within him as we was sitting right next to him and kept letting him go on duties.
It was all just too much of a convenient setup and kept going too quik... You can find countless of analysisses on that on the internet though so I am not going into detail. However, if I would have written the transformation into darth vade, it would have been a process that kept building up slowly. I mean look: I know you never really get a hint of that in star wars...but there is a lot of war going on in star wars. It is shown in the movie as action scenes without any disturbance to it because...its starwars which should also be compatible with children. But still...the jedi are warriors which keep cutting people to shreds with laser swords... I bet these actions could have given birth to dark spots in him. Also this retarded plotdevice where he can not have an affair with (was her name padme?) for no reason that has ever been explained other than "I'm a Senator". This man is supposed to be 19 at the time... As a male, you are sort of in need of having sex once in a while at that age, especially if you are supposed to take an intergalactic war. The entire prequels where complete failures in character development and storywritings for me.



You see, I'm always rather open to my personal feelings, and really...some people feel threatend by it, most feel relieved and get a little bit more personal too. There is no need to lock yourself up, not even on the internet. And really? What IF somebody doesn't like you...screw him!.



I'm not going Mr.Lifetipps on you now, but try to get into the conversation aswell then. If they are talking about some guy ...whatever...rollerblading... ask him if he's good at it, how long he's doing it, that you are rollerblading too...on mars. Or whatever, as soon as you are in a conversation, people are going to keep talking to you aswell.

I'm usually one of the more talkative ones in new groups and even I have troubles getting something out of the more quiet ones as I never know if they are shy or really don't want to talk to us/really don't want to be there.



Me too...its not an exactly feminine way of approaching a relationship. No matter...whatever comes next,by my honor, I'm not going to completely screw things up again.



Why not? Did I seem like that much of a jerk to you? (:

Right! Reading ancient classics is also supposed to make us appreciate good literature, but... I'm still trying to figure that one out



I never picked up on that... although it did pretty much reveal his entire personality (EVIL!)



This is precisely why I love this kind of betrayal! In my life situation, not too many people care about me, except for their own little childhood friends. Nothing wrong with caring for old friends (I, for one, certainly do, as they are - no, he is - all I have left at the moment). They wouldn't give a thought if I jumped off a cliff.



Yeah, I guess that's what Lucas gets for only giving himself 3 movies to do all that in.



I actually was talking with a few friends that are big STAR WARS and I remember them comenting to me that Episode 1 doesn't have a main character. Anakin is introduced to late in the movie, Obi-wan acts like a supporting character, and the only suitable person is the stupid alien-clown Jar-Jar!



I can sort of understand that. Yes, her name was Padme (I forget where the accent mark goes). The only other reason was that marriage was forbidden by the Jedi code, was because love leads to the Dark Side, but that doesn't make sense. People that volunteer at the homeless shelter, food pantry, etc. do not feel neutral to those that they help. They generally are compassionate to those they serve. Also, Anakin turned to the Dark Side more out of a quest of power. Yes, the root source was his love, but he should have had enough conscience to not mass-murder little kid padawans.



It's more of a way of maintaining a good reputation at wherever I am, not neccessarily out of fear of being disliked (although I guess that sort of is in the mix too, isn't it?).



I'm always looking for good advice, so if you want to be "Mr. Lifetipps" with me, feel free to unload

The thing is that if I try to get into conversations, I am pretty much locked out. Nobody answers my questions. If I try to comment someone will interupt and talk over me. Even in more respectable situations, it happens, and it shocks me that people would be so rude. I know those kind of people are out there, I'm just finding them where I wouldn't expect.



This is another situation I am faced with when trying to talk to a group of people. They freeze up. I try to talk and they give a one word answer. Which leaves me wondering the same thing you wonder.



Good luck

And no, you aren't a jerk

Deep post, a lot of deep posts aswell. I stumbled on this the same way as Captain Coder, saw Wolf in the poster so clicked on it.

I think what made me interested and want to keep reading was your totally brutally honest way of expressing what you really felt, and what more people should realize is that the more you do this the better others can relate to you. I've read many a blog where the article makes me yawn after a couple of sentences.

Anyways, you captured my feelings exactly where you said you create games to escape from the problems of the world and go into your own little bubble (fine, you didn't say THAT, but you know what I mean). It is the same reason I model and the VERY same reason the progress I make on a particular pack slows after I start.

You see, when I am modellig something purely for my own release it it extremely enjoyable, but as soon as it is exposed to the world (or at least out small forum world) it becomes a responsibility, like a big insurance deductible hanging above your head (Nationwide add anyone?).

Anyways, i just thought I would say keep writing the same way you wrote this post... From the heart, not the mind, and I'm convinced you might even make a living blogging All the best in all you do Wolf, and happy new year everyone.

Just thought I'd end with a quote from one of my favourite movies:


Cheers,
Anayar

I think it's safe to say that's what kept me reading as well. I'm always scared to post how I actually feel about something (sometimes out of fear of a slap, if what someone says makes me mad )



Interesting how we all look for a way to "escape" from our problems and find different ways of doing it. I think that explains why my shipment of weapons is late! For that reason, Anayar, I won't kill you



Good one!



Thanks, Anayar. Oh, and out of curiosity, what movie did you quote?

Hey, you should integrate that into your sig, Wolf, and then add below "Blogging from the heart, not the mind", or something like that. No one will read it if you don't advertise

Captain Coder

@CC: Lol thanks mate, Glad I'm off the death row (or at least your hitlist )

And the movie is Dead Poets Society, pretty inspiring if you ask me, but most of my friends think its a bore

Cheers,
Anayar

For now.

Sincerely,
Captain Coder