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Geek Culture / Please help me to examine the grammar of these sentences.

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halley
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 07:07
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Yiwan（Apple）:
The brace young man, guide everybody to fight against corpses with his strike attack.

Oranice(orange):
The little guy who has been laughed by his freckle for years, raised his spirit by Yiwan.He can freeze corpses.

Poberry (Grape):
The naughty boy brings a lot of fun to the village. He can corrode the corpses slowly in trick ways.

Charmch (Peach):
She is a tender sister and a friend of all fruits. When corpses touch the juice of peach, they become very slow.

Firemelon (Watermelon):
The big man, who has a very bad temper, can give a lot of damage to corpses with explosion.

Splashy Ban(Banana):
Banana is cynical, but after encouraged by others, he will stop corpses for a while with mucus.

Chocofreak(Coconut):
Lazy and forgetful, but he is very brave, can cause damage and stun corpses.

Vulnerberry(Lychee)
The little cut sweet girl play an unexpected role in the fight, because corpses are afraid of sweet stuff…

Spiker(Durain)
His judgment is always right and fair, and with prickly skin, he can protect every inch of the land in the village.

MadLeek(Sugarcane):
He is modest and has amazing endurance, can be a barrier to stop corpses, when he reach the land.

Icey berry (Strawberry):
Miss is really cool, when she appears, she can refrigerate everything, and even corpses are no exception.

Firefreak (Pitaya):
He has been living in seclusion for years. What will happen when he suddenly appears? Will we see a big fire?

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Dark Java Dude 64
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 07:16
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I have made some corrections for you! The bold text are corrections, the italic text is where im not sure what you meant, and the bold and italic text is where i removed something.

Yiwan（Apple）:
The brace young man, guides everybody to fight against corpses with his strike attack.

Oranice(orange):
The little guy who has been laughed at because of his freckles for years, raised his spirit by Yiwan.He can freeze corpses.

Poberry (Grape):
The naughty boy brings a lot of fun to the village. He can corrode the corpses slowly in tricky ways.

Charmch (Peach):
She is a tender sister and a friend of all fruits. When corpses touch the juice of peach, they become very slow.

Firemelon (Watermelon):
The big man, who has a very bad temper, can create a lot of damage to corpses with explosion.

Splashy Ban(Banana):
Banana is cynical, but after being encouraged by others, he will stop corpses for a while with mucus.

Chocofreak(Coconut):
Lazy and forgetful, *deleted word* he is very brave, and can cause damage and stun corpses.

Vulnerberry(Lychee)
The little cute sweet girl plays an unexpected role in the fight, because corpses are afraid of sweet stuff…

Spiker(Durain)
His judgment is always right and fair, and with his prickly skin, he can protect every inch of the land in the village.

MadLeek(Sugarcane):
He is modest and has amazing endurance, and can be a barrier to stop corpses *deleted comma* when he reaches the land.

Icey berry (Strawberry):
Miss is really cool, and when she appears, she can refrigerate everything; even corpses are no exception.

Firefreak (Pitaya):
He has been living in seclusion for years. What will happen when he suddenly appears? Will we see a big fire?

Learn lessons from your own repeated pressing of the Y key.~~DBD79
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halley
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 09:07
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@dude79, Thank you very much! I'm very grateful to you.
1. raised his spirit by Yiwan , I want to say he encouraged by Yiwan.

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Dark Java Dude 64
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 09:20
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Sure! I figured you meant that but i wasnt sure haha!

Learn lessons from your own repeated pressing of the Y key.~~DBD79
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Neuro Fuzzy
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 09:22
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instead of "corpses" do you perhaps mean "zombies"?

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halley
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 09:24
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@Neuro , all people in different games use "zombies", I want to be different, so I use corpses, I think corpses maybe is more suitable for China Corpses.

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bitJericho
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 14:41 Edited at: 29th Mar 2012 14:41
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You need to cut back on the commas

Yiwan（Apple）:
The brave young man guides everybody to fight against corpses with his strike attack.

Oranice(orange):
The little guy, always laughed at due to his freckles, has raised his spirit with Yiwan. He can freeze corpses.

Poberry (Grape):
The naughty boy brings a lot of fun to the village. He can corrode the corpses slowly with his tricky ways.

Charmch (Peach):
She is a tender sister and a friend of all fruits. When corpses touch the juice, they become very slow.

(This one is tricky because it's hard to tell if it's the peach that an enemy touches, the juice being squeezed off the peach, residue on the peach, or something else. Can you clarify? If written wrong, could be a double entendre (bad).

Firemelon (Watermelon):
The big man with a big temper. He can give a lot of damage to corpses with an explosion.

Splashy Ban(Banana):
Banana is cynical, but with a little encouragement, he will stop corpses for a while with mucus.

Chocofreak(Coconut):
Lazy and forgetful, but very brave, he can cause damage and stun corpses.

Vulnerberry(Lychee)
The little sweetheart can play an unexpected role in the fight because corpses are afraid of sweet stuff...

Spiker(Durain)
His judgment is always just and fair. With prickly skin, he can protect every inch of the land in the village.

MadLeek(Sugarcane):
He is modest and has amazing endurance. He can be a barrier to stop corpses when he reaches land.

Icey berry (Strawberry):
Miss is really cool. When she appears, she can refrigerate everything; even corpses are no exception.

Firefreak (Pitaya):
He has been living in seclusion for years. What will happen when he suddenly appears? Will we see a big fire?

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Fallout
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 14:51 Edited at: 29th Mar 2012 14:54
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Dark basic dude did a good job, but as always with languages, you can say things in a number of different ways. I would've written your passages like this ...

Yiwan（Apple）:
The brave young man guides everybody to fight against corpses with his strike attack. (Brace doesn't make sense, so I guess you mean brave?)

Oranice(orange):
The little guy, who for years has been laughed at because of his freckles, raises his spirit by Yiwan. He can freeze corpses.

Poberry (Grape):
The naughty boy brings a lot of fun to the village. He can corrode the corpses slowly in tricky ways.

Charmch (Peach):
She is a tender sister and a friend of all fruits. When corpses touch the juice of peach, they become very slow.

Firemelon (Watermelon):
The big man, who has a very bad temper, can cause a lot of damage to corpses with explosions.

Splashy Ban(Banana):
Banana is cynical, but after encouragement from others, will delay corpses with mucus. (Delay is a nice alternative to "stop for a while". You don't need 'he' because you have already made Banana the subject)

Chocofreak(Coconut):
Lazy and forgetful, he is very brave, can cause damage, and stun corpses. (An optional Oxford comma (I think it's called), but I think it makes these things more readable)

Vulnerberry(Lychee)
The little cute sweet girl plays an unexpected role in the fight, because corpses are afraid of sweet stuff…

Spiker(Durain)
His judgment is always right and fair, and with prickly skin, he can protect every inch of the land in the village.

MadLeek(Sugarcane):
He is modest, has amazing endurance, and can be a barrier to stop corpses when he reaches the land.

Icey berry (Strawberry):
Miss is really cool. When she appears, she can refrigerate everything, and corpses are no exception. (Can't explain why, but 'even' in that sentence sounds wrong to me. It's fine to leave it in though).

Firefreak (Pitaya):
He has been living in seclusion for years. What will happen when he suddenly appears? Will we see a big fire?

Just my thoughts!

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lazerus
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 16:36 Edited at: 29th Mar 2012 16:37
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I think you should use a nickname instead of corpses, seems to stiff a word for common dialogue.

Zombie + dead = Zed's?
Cadavers?
Carrion?
Rotten + life = Rife?
Stiff's
Be a bit more creative with it

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BiggAdd
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 16:50
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Quote: "I think you should use a nickname instead of corpses, seems to stiff a word for common dialogue. "


I was thinking the same thing earlier. I can understand your point about avoiding the term "Zombie" because its overused.
But we are all familiar with Zombies, and hearing the zombie doesn't repulse, because we are all know that they are a fictional entity.

However whenever I hear the word corpses in the context of your game, I can't help but feel its a little morbid.

I too thought like Laz, you should give them a nickname, rather than re-invent a name for Zombies (Like "The Locust" from Gears of War).

I thought of "The Rotters" or "The Rotten", plays with the whole fruit vibe you've got going!

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halley
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 17:42 Edited at: 29th Mar 2012 17:43
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how about "The Rotten" ? what's other's opinion ? Now I feel "corpses" is not a good word.

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bitJericho
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 18:02
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Sounds like a great name to me.

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Blobby 101
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Posted: 29th Mar 2012 20:34
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Instead of just fixing grammar, I rewrote them how i'd have written them - might be a bit more useful

Yiwan（Apple）:
A brave young man and a fearless leader. Can fight The Rotten with his strike attack.

Oranice(orange):
A shy little guy who was teased for years for his freckles. Helped out by Yiwan, he has the power to freeze The Rotten.

Poberry (Grape):
The naughty boy of the group, he brings a lot of fun to the village. He can corrode The Rotten slowly in trick ways. (not sure what you meant at the end there)

Charmch (Peach):
She is a tender sister and a friend of all fruits. When corpses touch the peach juice, they become very slow. (again, not sure about the first part of this one)

Firemelon (Watermelon):
A big guy with a big temper, he can cause a lot of damage to The Rotten with his explosion attack!

Splashy Ban(Banana):
Splashy Ban is cynical, but with encouragement from others, he can stop corpses for a while with his mucus.

Chocofreak(Coconut):
Lazy and forgetful, maybe, But Chocofreak is very brave, and can cause damage and stun The Rotten!

Vulnerberry(Lychee)
A sweet little girl on the outside, Vulnerberry can have a surprising role in the fight, as The Rotten are afraid of sweet things...

Spiker(Durain)
Always righteous and fair, Spiker can protect every inch of the land in the village with his prickly skin.

MadLeek(Sugarcane):
Very modest but with amazing endurance, MadLeek can be an important barrier against The Rotten.

Icey berry (Strawberry):
Icey Berry is one cool fruit! Even The Rotten are frozen to the spot when she's around.

I wasn't really sure what to do with firefreak so i'll leave that up to someone else

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halley
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Posted: 30th Mar 2012 05:49 Edited at: 30th Mar 2012 05:54
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The enemies are in the picture. is " the rotten" a proper word for them? Most of them move on by jumping. it's a feature of Chinese Zombies.


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Dark Java Dude 64
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Posted: 30th Mar 2012 05:57
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That name sounds nice!

Learn lessons from your own repeated pressing of the Y key.~~DBD79
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Neuro Fuzzy
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Posted: 30th Mar 2012 09:12
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Quote: "how about "The Rotten" ? what's other's opinion ? Now I feel "corpses" is not a good word."

actually, now that I think about it corpses does sound fine

It's just... without context I was confused what the descriptions were supposed to be about. But "The Rotten" does sound like an awesome name.

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halley
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Posted: 30th Mar 2012 09:29
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Attack rotten or attack rottens? which usage is right?

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Fallout
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Posted: 30th Mar 2012 09:34
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Rotten can be plural, I think ...

"I attacked a single festering rotten"

And

"I attacked a whole horde of swarming rotten"

Both sound right to me.

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halley
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Posted: 30th Mar 2012 09:47 Edited at: 30th Mar 2012 10:22
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Thanks all people here.Please help to examine the story.
A long time ago in an oriental land there was an enormous magical tree
wearing an enormous crown. There is a village, all kinds of fruit living
here, they defence the tree year by year.
Near to the tree there was an evil mausoleum. In the mausoleum there
were many corpses of evil creatures kept in check only by the magical
power of the tree. The elders said that the tree could only suppress
the corpses for one thousand years and now that time is almost up. The
emperor of the corpses will soon awake and will stop at nothing to
destroy the great tree which has suppressed him and his army for a
thousand years. This time, a brave young man named Yiwan,
guide others to fight agains the corpses.

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Green Gandalf
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Posted: 31st Mar 2012 14:36
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In that case "rotten" doesn't seem quite right. Something like "undead" seems closer to your meaning. Perhaps someone can suggest names along those lines?

You could take a look at things like this. There may be some useful suggestions there:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Undead
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