Quote: "I got a girlfriend of my own about six months ago"
Did you have somebody else's girlfriend before that?
Here's a few snippets I like to save
Wifeology
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburettor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?" She replied,"In the lake."
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to Interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married;
then it was too late.
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same : "You can have mine."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"
asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied,
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost
impossible.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life Thinking they had no faults at all.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says,"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one desire."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several of my beautiful natural resources.
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a
woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
- they are all numbered "1" on purpose.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle! hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking - unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, sports, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but! did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their
new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a woman from Delhi and bragged that he
had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning
that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but
on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all
washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Bangalore . He bragged that he
had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes,
andcooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean,
the dishes was done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Bombay girl. He boasted that he told her his
house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry
washed.And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he
didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the
third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little
out of his left eye!
BatVink
http://biglaugh.co.uk/catalog AMD 3000+ Barton, 512Mb Ram, 120 Gig Drive space, GeForce 5200 FX 128 Mb, Asus A7N8X Mobo.
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