Sounds pretty darn good for a first try. I can totally see this music being used like you describe.
If I might offer a suggestion, add a little stereo separation in the final mix down of the background track using the Fruity Stereo Enhancer. It will add some additional depth.
Additionally, you might add some panning and or light distortion to those sharp sounds that you use. This way they are really disturbing becasue thet aren't always in the same place. But only move them slightly, say no more than 24% left or right of center.
~insert whitty comment here~
