The script isn't bad so far. One thing I'd suggest is maybe missing out the scene where Edward wakes up, tells his brother about the dream and is then offered the job on the Kal-Manora. Instead, I'd have Edward waking up
ON the Kal-Manora, perhaps to the sound of the captain’s voice calling him over the speaker system. The explanation of how the player got there would be covered in snippets of dialogue you have with the crew, for example:
Quote: "
Captain: "15 minutes late, Edward. When your brother sent you up here I wasn't expecting a slacker and yet this is the second time you've kept me waiting. You're head of security now, Edward - you are a highly regarded officer and I expect you to be punctual whenever I send for you..." blah blah blah"
As a player of the first game, I'd also rather not see how Edward ends up on the Kal-Manora. I'd rather not even see what the Kal-Manora looks like from the outside until the end of the level. Keeping this sort of thing a mystery to the player would provide a good incentive to keep playing.
Also, If Edward is going to talk to Max about the dream, saying...
Quote: "Funny, I
just had a dream where you pushed
me into a spacial fracture or
something like that."
... is a little too long-winded and specific. Instead, I'd replace it with something a little more vague, like:
Quote: "Edward: Funny... I've just had the weirdest dream about you.
Max: (Chuckles) Really? Well you can tell me all about it over lunch in a few hours. "
