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Geek Culture / My First Kiss

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Shadow Robert
22
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Posted: 24th Feb 2003 06:59
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i'm guessing you ment Libido ... and trust me talk to puffy for more than 5mins and thats certainly not an area i think it'll affect for some years

seriously thou, he's right drugs arn't the answer - even if they are "Anti-Depressants" or such ... unless you have a real alement that they're fixxing then its no different a habit to say smoking.
And trust me that ain't a great habit either - its just a replacement for something else.

And you know that addiction is hireditary right?
it's way to easi to slip and suddenly something is a dependancy ... my last girl was like that, addicted to freakin' paracetamol of all things.
She'd make herself feel bad and pop a pill - before you know it she was going through several packets a week.

It's sad to see people like that, or on things far far worse (and i've seen FAR FAR worse)
there will never be anything better in your life than a few mates (preferablly a girl) you can just sit back and chat with... and i don't mean a girl you're trying to score with, i mean a friend.

should look at how many kids now commit suicide over stupid things ... like "oh i'm so alone and nothing seems to be going right"

most of the time its because they distance themselves from everyone, and when they can't take that no one likes them for being all fake they then slip with thier school and then just do that whole give up bull.
ya know what i mean?

its like when someone tells me "oh i wanna just kill myself" and bitchs about thier life ... its like you listen to it and you think
"well if you don't get up on that fuckin' ass of yours and DO something about it - then ofcourse nothing will change"

and what drives me more insane about it is that these kids don't even have a clue what a bad life is ... drugged up parents, abusive parents, etc...

that you can just leave if you want to, by staying your punishing yourself - whereas there are kids in the world who are slaves, being force to work doing some truely sickening things... who here could honestly say that they're life is worse than these kids, who will never make it to adulthood and even if they do - what kind of a life is being a slave?

And i can bet you top dollar that almost no one here can explain what depression is - express how it feels like, because the only form of depression most people around here know of is just that one of not fitting in and feeling worthless.

which isn't depression at all, that self-hatered ... because you never had the bottle to stand upto those who abused you, abused your family or anything like that.

people who don't understand how much they cling to others and rub off thier emotions, covering it up because they don't want to be alone to thing about things again.

to be honest, you will never be fine again until you stand up to what has caused the pain ... until you can turn around and face that fear, loathing and hate you have head-on.

just some things to mentally chew on

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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large_nostril
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Posted: 24th Feb 2003 09:25
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"paracetamol"
I've heard of that but I can't quite remember what that does, can you enlighten me a bit.

Raven, you are absolutely right. People are too fickle minded nowadays. They think they have the worst life on the face of the earth, yet you don't see the malnutritioned children of Ethiopia slithing their throats.

I personally have contemplated suicide once, that was about 4 years back. But then I realized it was just stupid and didn't help anything at all. One, I'd be hurting a lot of people who were close to me and I cared about. And two, I'd be dead.

Very true about having a girl that you can just talk to as a friend. There aren't many guys that will listen to a depressed person mumble on, but a girl will be right there to listen and comfort you.

Really sorry about the parents puffy. I pitty them but feel for you more. A suggestion, maybe you should tell your dad that until he gets his act together, you don't want to see or speak to him. I know it will probably hurt him, but it may be the only way to get passed this milestone in life. As for yuor mom, if she still abuses you, you should probably consider going to a counselor with her.

If you want fresh underwear in the morning, take it off the night before.
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 24th Feb 2003 11:08
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paracetamol is ... its like a mild asprin of sorts - what you take for headaches mostly.

it was messy actually when i broke up with her, cause she went home and OD'd on them - that kinda killed me because the breakup wasn't because i wanted to ... all those people that were upset and angry over such an act
stayed by her bedside in the hospital until she came too, its just such a selfish act ... that they don't care who it hurts as long as they stop their so-called pain

there was a time that i felt like ending my life ... i'd lost everything.
My father had told me that to him i was dead, cut off all contact with me - my mom did the same cause of my marriage, the only person i cared for in the world was dead, my best friend had been shot infront of me a matter of a month before, i'd lost my job cause i couldn't focus on anything... to top it all my father calls at christmas and tells me my grandmother died and i wasn't allowed to see her.

from that i kinda found myself as it were - rather than sinking into some total abyss, got off my ass and did everything i could to make myself feel like i have some damn worth in this life.
when you loose everything, you have nothing left to loose, and no futher you can slip as your already at the bottom - there was no way in hell i'd ever be snuffed out simply because the universe seems to enjoy kicking me down all the time

it would've been far to easy to just give up and let everything win ... but why the hell should anyone let the universe have the last laugh eh (^_^)

depression for me has always been a little voice like in the cartoons, where you have a lil you on your shoulder - and he sits there going "ohh look at that drop... hey it'd be easi to just 'accidentally' fall and plummet. DO IT!"
then you have your brain going "ARE YOU F**KIN' MAD!! You go first, if you survive i'll follow."

god ... somedays can still feel the emptiness, however somehow that'll always be there to remind me that dispite the obsticals there ain't nothing in hell that can stop me

well cept maybe and army of guys with guns - or and A Bomb ya know i think they might atleast slow me

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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Benjamin
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Posted: 24th Feb 2003 14:07
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'Are kidding me? Drugs bad!!!! I Suffer from Depression, Bi-polar Dissorder and Manic-Depression and I refuse that so-call medicine. All it did was make things worse. You, my friend, need to find a Froudian or Jungian counsler. The only thing those pills do is empty you waltet and screw up your libibo.'

I know somone who is a manic depressive...:-(. I think he does, anyway, thats what he said. He has the same first name as me! benjaminsbraininajar@hotmail.com - his MSN name.

xxxpetratxxx
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Posted: 25th Feb 2003 07:26
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I've felt about killing myself a number of times. Worse thing is I don't have many of the hang up as other people do. Some say suicide is wrong, I think it's a nobile a brave action when done in the right context, some guy blowing his brains out to avode procution, for example, is a coward. I'm also not Christain so I don't believe in a Heaven or Hell, I do believe the "Tree of Life", though. Thus I have no fear of divine punishment is I take my own life. Ya think it would be easy huh?

A couple months back life was draging along, very 'ho hum'. I had resently met this girl on MSN, and we were getting to be good friends. Well one night I let myself go and I told here about all this emotional crap. Then she revede that she was like 14 (she told me earlier that she was 19) and that I was screwing her up. That just killed me, not that she was 14, but that she was just playing with me, I was a joke to her and her friends. Now I have real trust issues ( I hide it be telling everyone how I'm feeling at that moment, as I'm doing now) and it was rock bottom.

So, I had a knife, I was going to cut my wrists open. I had no guilt, no regret, but for some reason I coundn't do it. I scratched up my whole arm trying to work up the nerve but I just coundn't do it. I realised that the most basic of instincts, my one last defence mecinasism, was stopping me. The will to live. It is barried so deep into our souls that, no matter what I thought, I coundn't end my life.

After that day things existed just as before, the deppresion was still there, but eventully my perspective changed back to the good old "if it can't be hepled, then don't worry about". The complete emptyness of deppresion will alway remain, the trick is not to notice it. Personally, I like melencoly, it's a nice feeling, like a cool breeze. Depression, on the other hand, is like an Artic tundra, thats the best description I can think of, besides drowned in icy waters. I don't know if it's connected, but I rarely get depressed in the spring, summer, or fall. Oh well, as I'm often told, "You are ****** up!".

Am I a butterfly dreaming I'm a man?
Or a bowling ball dreaming I'm a plate of samishi?
Never assume that what you see or feel is real.
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 25th Feb 2003 08:30
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lol ... had my wrists slit before
wasn't any sucide attempt, some fucker was trying to kill me - but well i'm still here so you know how it turned out.
Spent a few days in hospital as i lost like 2pints of blood

i have so many scars from people trying to kill me it isn't funny anymore ... aparently i invoke strong emotions in people ... i'm like human marmite really - hehee

Suicide is never a noble or brave act - if you can't surpass that fear that binds your very life, then trust me you havn't a clue what Depression truely is.
It's like the suicides which you have no control over...

the only time it is a noble or honourable act to give your life is when you know someone has to die and you can save others by doing it. If your life can be given to achieve something THEN it is an act which holds nobility.

and i'm not talking about people who don't give a damn about thier life, and will throw themselves to die at every turn ... i'm talking about someone who rationally decides on it.
Someone who does it because there is a need, not a want.

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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Benjamin
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Posted: 25th Feb 2003 14:33
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I have a few problems....not physical though...I dont really like talking about it to people. My life is so different from everyone elses because of it..

xxxpetratxxx
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Posted: 25th Feb 2003 17:33
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Trust me, I know deppersion. Think of this:

1) You get depressed
2) You can't bare it anymore so you try to end it
3) You realize that you are not strong or brave enough to do it.
4) This makes the emptyness even more powerfull, goto step one.

That when it gets bad, when tou start the never ending spiral downward.

Am I a butterfly dreaming I'm a man?
Or a bowling ball dreaming I'm a plate of samishi?
Never assume that what you see or feel is real.
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Benjamin
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Posted: 25th Feb 2003 20:04
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wow

xxxpetratxxx
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Kangaroo2
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Posted: 26th Feb 2003 00:36
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Woah this topic has gone from lighthearted to suicide attempts

Umm all I can say is when I was around 16 I suffered from depression, and was in a hospital ward under 24/hr watch 2 stop my many attempted suicides.

However, years later here I am, I got through it, and I'm a stronger person. Best wishes to anyone who needs it, and if any1 wants to talk, drop me an email

Cheers, KG

Coming Soon! Kangaroo2 Studio... wait and quiver with anticipation! lol
samjones@kangaroo2.com - http://www.kangaroo2.com - If the apocalypse comes, email me
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Posted: 26th Feb 2003 04:48
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Those places suck, I first went in one when I was 10, then they doped me full of drugs, and that got in there twice more. The forth time my mom's boyfriend had kick the crap out of me, so I threatend him with a knife, and they locked me up again. I don't think I need to expain why I don't trust anti-deppresants.

Am I a butterfly dreaming I'm a man?
Or a bowling ball dreaming I'm a plate of samishi?
Never assume that what you see or feel is real.
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 26th Feb 2003 06:53
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See this is the problem with most physciatrists now... its like they have a pharmasutical pad - and they will use it at the drop of a hat.

people don't need drugs or shit... they just need to feel worth something - needed as it were.
problem is so many teens can't tell the difference (neither can the shrinks) from the hormanal imbalance that causes the "depression" to real depression.

hito, kid, trust me with those steps your not even within spitting distance of depression - your just a teen.
probably one with parent who've split up and your mom no doubt has had a good few string of boyfriends.
add to this your father was never Mr. Dad ... but you looked upto him non the less. When he was taken away this made you feel useless. A feeling which you've never been able to shake.

am i close at all?

there is alot i could say ... but really it'll all pass if you give it a chance and let it die. Take up Tai Chi or something, its very soothing

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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Posted: 26th Feb 2003 07:30
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Lol, your on target but on the wrong dartboard. I have this uncanny abillty to "get over it". The problem is when I was growing up everyone kept shoving this pyco-babble down my neck. Do you have any idea how it feels to be told how you feel by some prick with pocket protector? They all thought I was all bent out of shape over the divorse, when I was really bent out of shape over all these shrinks. I have this real problem with people trying to tell me how I feel. I don't know if you'ld call 5 boyfriend in the yast 14 years is alot, nor did I idealise my dad. If feel no guilt over his death. Don't get me wrong, I loved him, but like I said I have the ability to get over this things quickly. I don't suffer from denile, I don't rationalize, I just let it go. "What be done can't be undone". Also I'm 21, so that's 1 out of 4, not real close but I rarly fit into most steriotypes. I think we got (or had) different types of deppresion. When I was ten it was the "anger turned inward" type of deppersion, now it's like the oposite side of Zen, nothingness, but in a bad way. Oh, I have felt Zen too, for about an hour, don't know how I did it but it was nice. No thoughts, no emotions, just peacefulness.

Anyway lets just call it apples and oranges.

Am I a butterfly dreaming I'm a man?
Or a bowling ball dreaming I'm a plate of samishi?
Never assume that what you see or feel is real.
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Easily Confused
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Posted: 26th Feb 2003 07:53
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Hmmm... this post has gone from "Remembering your first kiss" to "How I was almost licked to death by a dog and lived to tell about it" to "Discusions on advanced physciatry". I need a shrink just to sort that out

Oh well, at least I have the right name

Programming anything is an art, and you can't rush art.
Unless your name is Bob Ross, then you can do it in thirty minutes.
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large_nostril
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Posted: 26th Feb 2003 08:01
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"I have this real problem with people trying to tell me how I feel."
Same here. People tell "you look depressed, I think you're having problems with your social life, would you like me to blah, blah, blah..." And I'm just sitting there thinking to myself "man, does your face look more and more like a frog every second."

So what, I may be depressed but I don't need a prick to tell me so. Personally, I use my wonderful humor (don't guys just love it) to get passed this kind of crap.

If you want fresh underwear in the morning, take it off the night before.
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 26th Feb 2003 09:00
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I can tell you know most shrink ain't got a fuckin' scooby - the only ones that do any good are the ones that just talk with ya, they don't analyse, they don't do bugger all apart from talk to you like a mate you can tell anything to.

but then again you can't completely trust a stranger can you.

21 is still a kid, trust me ... might be older than me, but your still a kid. See way i see it you can't let go of this, your just not dealing with them eveb slightly.
If you don't cope with it then obviously you'll never have to cause you can just forget.

unfortunately thats just not true ... the only way to be free of something is to face it head on and kick its ass over and over and over until you feel better

only reason you're no longer that angry little kid, and are more layed back is because now you understand howto deal with the emotions you have.

just sit back and think, you might not fit into a stereotype as such - but you know what... you find me someone in the world who does. people who are stereotypes are hiding exactly who they are to everyone else - theres no two ways about it.
you know i'm gonna bet some bucks on that your have no brothers or sisters

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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Posted: 26th Feb 2003 10:27
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See way i see it you can't let go of this, your just not dealing with them eveb slightly.
If you don't cope with it then obviously you'll never have to cause you can just forget.

only reason you're no longer that angry little kid, and are more layed back is because now you understand howto deal with the emotions you have.

Correct my if I'm wrong here, but don't these two statements kinda counter each other? I reilize that to most people it seams like denile, but I'm not the type to do that. I believe to strongly in my ideas and philosophies to ever hind from my thoughts or feelings. I'm a bit twisted but sometimes I like pain. It makes me feel like I'm accully here, to go through that kinda stuff makes me feel better, stronger somehow. I like the comfort of feeling sad. You can judge me, tell me I'm in denile, or whatever it don't bug me so much any more. I'm confident enough to laugh at my own misfortune and hardships. Live and let live, ya know.

That makes 1-5 Raven, I got two sisters, plus a half brother I found out about a few years ago, but that will have no affect on teen growth. I think that's what we're both talking about, the trama of the teen years and how we cope with it. Well, I've known trama from as far back as I can remember. Not becuase I was beat, or that I didn't get enough love or any of that crap. I suffer from Night Terror, ya know what that is? It's like nightmares times 100, people have accully died becouse of this sleep disorder. I only get it once or twice a year, but man. I can't even describe them, just a massive amount of tastes, textures and sounds along with this vast feeling of infinite. Been having them my whole life, hell it's my first memory. You can not imamgin how bad they are, I can even, I forget them the moment I relize i'm not asleep anymore. Good thing too, I guess.

Am I a butterfly dreaming I'm a man?
Or a bowling ball dreaming I'm a plate of samishi?
Never assume that what you see or feel is real.
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Killer Sponge
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Posted: 26th Feb 2003 15:27
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pillz... BAD..... smiling good, it the best anti-depressent of all time (scientificlly proven!)

Current Project: Lode Runner Db (Working Name)
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Posted: 26th Feb 2003 20:59
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I don't know about that, when you're in a crumy mood and some guy is sitting thier grining at ya, you just want to put you're fist through his head. I think dark humor is better, even while in a bad mood you can laugh at it.

Am I a butterfly dreaming I'm a man?
Or a bowling ball dreaming I'm a plate of samishi?
Never assume that what you see or feel is real.
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Benjamin
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Posted: 26th Feb 2003 22:05
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how do u know u have these dreams if ya dont remember them?

xxxpetratxxx
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Posted: 26th Feb 2003 22:37
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I remembering then happening, but not the detail, kind like when you don't remember the real world when in a dream, or even different dreams while in a dream. Plus after awaking in a cold sweat, to scared to even scream, you heart racing like a freighttrain, ya kinda get the impresion that you just had one hell of a nightmare.

Am I a butterfly dreaming I'm a man?
Or a bowling ball dreaming I'm a plate of samishi?
Never assume that what you see or feel is real.
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Benjamin
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Posted: 27th Feb 2003 00:47
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i have been bad dreams, but not as bad as urs. I just wake up feeling tired, sad, and in a cold sweat...its really wierd coz its only just started happening.

xxxpetratxxx
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Shadow Robert
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Posted: 27th Feb 2003 03:04
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there is only one thing i'm really afriad of... but i'm gonna keep all that to myself, i understand what a terror attack is like though.

lol ... lemme guess hito, you sisters are younger than you?
and no the statements above are very different.

there is a big difference between, copeing with a problem and copeing with the emotions that follow it.
I can handle problems very well, emotions however are a different matter and i just ignore them completely... if you ignore them then it is amazing what you're capable of doing.

Tsu'va Oni Ni Jyuuko Fiori Sei Tau!
One block follows the suit ... the whole suit of blocks is the path ... what have you found?
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Puffy
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Posted: 27th Feb 2003 04:30
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^_^ I might have a girlfriend soon ... O_O ohhh yeahhh...

AMD Athlon XP 2100+ OC to 3Ghz/1.5gigs ram/128mb ti4200/120gigs hd/19" monitor/Sound Blaster Audigy Platinum EX/3072kbs Sat Con... I joined in!
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Posted: 27th Feb 2003 06:25
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LMAO, heh heh, only Puff can have the gall to change a subject that quickly, lol.

Anyway, Raven yes, they are younger. I used to try to not deal with things, but it caused me to snap at everything. Part of my quick coping might come from that fact I get Deja Vu nearly ever week (some parts of the year it's daily), so I'm rarely surprised when something big happens. I also sometime have preconntive dreams, the trouble is I don't realize it untill the event is happening. In fact around 5 or 6 years befor my dad died I had remembored that some one died a few days earlier, but no one had, it was wierding me out. Then few days after my dad died I was experancing the very same memory that I had back then, The only thing I could think was "O the irony", it was almost funny. Anyway, enough with the psyco-babble.

So DarthPuff, tell us about this (maybe) girlfriend.

Am I a butterfly dreaming I'm a man?
Or a bowling ball dreaming I'm a plate of samishi?
Never assume that what you see or feel is real.
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Benjamin
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Posted: 27th Feb 2003 10:18
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'I get Deja Vu nearly ever week (some parts of the year it's daily),'

I remember when this one week i kept getting that and it really made me feel ill...i dont understand why, its just that I thought everything was going round in a loop...
(dizzy...)

xxxpetratxxx
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