Phew. That first little section really confused me, lots of information in there
Honestly the whole first chapter left me confused even the more. You like to use lots of words and I had trouble dictating which ones were vital or not. I think it would help loads if you just fixed the paragraphs
Sometimes you would start a new thought within a previous paragraph, and I would have no idea what was going on. I guess I would have liked you to refine it a bit so it was fully clear. I know we all hate it, but don't forget to indent
But hey! I like to start with the bad stuff first so you get a better contrast of the two. Bad stuff is what we're always looking for, although it's hard to understand why, so often times upsides are drowned out. Anyways
, once I got to the second chapter everthing cleared up a lot and it was sooo much better
I was worried I wouldn't know what to say at first, but many of the things I stated earlier were eons(however that's spelled) better. It was quite clear what was going on, even if I had to check back at something abrupt, and somehow the paragraphs sorted themselves out. The story line cleared up as well and it was finally quite interesting to read. I think there may have been a bit much thrown out there at once at the beggining that may not have been vital to the story. It boged it down a bit. I don't understand how the two chapters were so different though.
As far as halo terms (the reason I read through not that^) I think you could have been clearer as to what things really were, but it didn't seem necisary to know anything about Halo, unless my confusion was actually a result of it. Seemed fine to me
So in the end I definitely enjoyed it, and thanks for the read.
so that was REALLY long and possibly unclear, so feel free to ask me to clarify
You'll probably need to. Now, looks like somepony read through mine
Edit: I forgot to bug you about
KILLING TWILIGHT it was casual and not a huge point, but nopony can bug me about nabbing ponies up you hear!
Ohhh and sorry for the double post... My mistake, they were complete different topics and I kinda missed that. *sorry mods*
swis
No, it's not pokemon.
Joined: Tues Dec 16th 2008